Death

It has a whole new meaning to me today.
Lost a guy that i know from the gym at a tender age of only 19 due to heart attack.
And today, lost someone who changed the way I see the world when I was still learning to cope with adulthood.

Out of all the religious teachers that I can remember, nyayi Siti was one of a kind.
She was soft spoken, wise and understanding.
Her son, Saifuddin, who happens to be my senior back in secondary school is very lucky to have had her as his mother.
She led a simple life, does not count on anyone for a living, and she is a very hardworking single parent.
I admire her strength and her ability to survive and take care of her children upon her husband's demise.
She's a perfect example of an independent woman of our era.

At first, when my mom started going over to her place for classes, i was skeptical and lazy.
But as time pass, my mom kept on persuading me to go for her lessons.
I was amazed at the way she teaches her class.
It was very different from other classes let it be school or religious classes.
She explained in detail and examples that I would have never thought possible.
She made me wanna be a good muslim.
She made me wanna learn more and be a better person at the same time.
Advises that she gave me are some of the things that I couldn't ask my mom about.
She was that person that I could ask anything under the sun and she would give me an honest and direct answer.

But ever since NS began, I have been to her classes very rarely.
I always gave excuses to myself for not going whenever I am able to go.
Most of the times however my NS schedule doesn't allow me to attend the class.
I did hope to rejoin my mom at my nyayi's place for classes once I'm done with NS which is by this June.
But I suppose, that plan won't be happening at all.

From what I heard from my mom, at least nyayi was able to seek forgiveness from her students, friends, family members and those closest to her before she really got bedridden.
All it took was a bump on her head which started everything.
From the bump, she ended up vomiting and from there, a scan was done.
That's when the doctors realised that she had brain cancer.
It also explains why she has been having back problems since years ago.
Now that it has been discovered, I suppose only now that the pieces came together.

The last I saw nyayi was about 5 days ago.
I was surprise how skinny she has been and weak she was.
I was at a lost for words upon seeing her condition.
She was so weak.
She could barely smile.
Smile.
The easiest thing to do but yet, she couldn't do it because she was that weak.
I left the place with a heavy heart, hoping to see her again soon.
Doctors gave her 6 months without therapy but I suppose they got it wrong.

I received word of her passing after my ORD retest shoot which I failed again.
Upon reading my text message from my sister, seems like my day just got worse upon knowing of nyayi's passing.

I have never felt this sad, this angry ever since my late uncle Hashim passed away in 2007 I think.
The only thing that I'm relieved of is that my mom described her passing as an easy one, which I am thankful for.
A person of her status deserve an easy passing, without pain when the angel of death pulls her soul out of her body.

My dumbfuck mind sometimes asks questions that I don't have the answer to.
Questions relating to the after life.
I'm sure everyone has had this thought in their minds at least once before throughout their entire life.
The question of what is waiting for us in the next life.

It will be great if heaven was true, and that those devoted to Him would gain access to his gardens of tranquility.

But what IF there isn't?
What if after life, there's only complete darkness?
Wouldn't that scare the shit out of even the most bravest of us?
It sure does scare me..

But that's just a mid 20s foolish mindset.
I believe there is heaven and that we have to work hard and be discipline before we are able to gain access to the gates of heaven.
But that's up to fate to decide whether I deserve it, or not..
Or does fate even play apart at all?
I suppose we shall all find out when the angel of death finally visits you either with a smile, or with evil intent.