Its been months.
Its been years.
Have too much doubt and thoughts that I am unable to share with any living soul at this hour.
So I guess I'll type it down.

She's away trying to figure out her emotions.
I suppose this is just one of those uncertain phases that one has to go through when their partner wants a "timeout"..
Its emotionally draining.
4 years on.
And nothing's change.
I fear that I may be on the losing end on this one.
That my doubts might be true and that losing you is inevitable.
My dear, at times, your words just don't tally with your actions.
How many times have that happened?
How can I not have doubts?
I just wish that my heart could be more open to you and always give you the benefit of a doubt.
But at the same time, I blame myself for certain events that ruin us.
Like the saying goes, 'It takes two hands to clap'.

But then again, there's nothing more to be feared except an uncertain future ahead of us.
A future which might not go according to plan.
A future that does not seem to tally with our beliefs and our loyalties.
A future which may seem bleak to a certain few.
Yes, we may strive, we may work hard and we shall ask help from the divine to achieve such goals.
But in the end, it still lies on the hands of fate.

A future that I fear the most is to not be able to achieve my goals and aims in life.
Life's too short to be so focused on money.
One has to enjoy the simple things in life like spending time with the family, walking the dog, watching your favourite movie or if you're lucky enough, go venture out of your comfort zone and enjoy life and see new things that will definitely change your life.
I do not believe we are in this world to 'beautify' or bring progress to this world.
This world is already beautiful as it is before humans destroyed it and created cities upon its ruins.
Sure, human civilization has brought a lot of progress to this world but look at the news these days.
People are killing each other due to political, ethnic, religious and ideological differences.
Why can't we just co-exist with one another?
Even animals do not kill its own unless it was for its own survival.

Speaking about differences in those areas, I find it quite tiring to be kept on reminded by the leaders involved in those conflicts repeating the same old shit again.
Once force is used, there is no longer being on the right or wrong side of the faction.
It seems clear to me that both factions are intent on doing damage onto another without the thought of mercy.
What ever happened to tolerance that all the major religions have taught us?
From my understanding, all of the world's religion preaches their followers to love one another as if how they wished to be loved by others.
No religion preaches their followers to commit murder or to blow yourself up in the middle of a market where dozens of innocents are and killing them.
Those are no works of righteous but instead of the fanatics.
I've seen and heard more than enough of how the world is.
How politicians and leaders manipulate the people into supporting them in doing evil deeds for their own benefit.

I'm just so sick and tired of all this.
With God's permission, please give me the capability to live out my days in exile of all this atrocities that is occurring to this world.
I've had enough.
One man on a small island off Malaysia can't do shit to change anything.
Awareness is not enough.
From the looks of it, only divine intervention could stop all this atrocities.
If only He would grant his angels permission to clean off this world of such evil would it then be a true Utopian planet.
Until then, please let me be the ignorant fool when the time come for me to just shut the world out of my mind and just focus on whatever beautiful and peacefulness that is left on this world until my dying days.

That's the only wish and pray that I always wanted.